This is a true story. There is a reason I am telling it to you, but you have to trust me.
 
I went to elementary school in suburban Detroit. It was back in the early 80s when there were no buses to take us to the school about three quarters of a mile from our house (for some kids, it was a much longer walk).  I was always a kind of nerdy, introspective kid. I as bullied and teased. One the the issues I dealt with was an overwhelming sense of fear. Crippling, paralyzing fear. This fear would manifest when I was exposed to typical culturally terrifying things – like horror movies. I had nightmares a lot when I was a kid. Occasionally, I would prefer to stay awake all night with the lights on because I was too scared to close my eyes and face the images I would see there. When I was only 5 I wasn’t watching the Exorcist, but I was unintentionally exposed to things by my much older siblings and, on top of that, some things that were only meant to be mildly disturbing would set me off. For instance, I was terrified of the Disney version of the Legend of Sleepy Hollow. I think fear is a good thing – it teaches us our own boundaries and how to be aware when something isn’t exactly right. But, for me it went a little deeper. If I am being honest, I still have problems with this. I have to monitor what I watch and if something appears to be too scary, I need to step away. My mind just kicks into overdrive and I can’t shut it off. 
 
As a nerdy kid who wore glasses by the time she was 8, this predilection for being afraid of my own shadow made me also a target for school yard taunting.  And this was never more evident than my exposure to “The Banshee”. 
 
The Banshee, as we all know, is a mythical Irish spirit who heralds death with loud keening. My first experience with her was in my elementary school music class. Every year, at Halloween, our music teacher would decorate the music room with all the typical trappings of the season. On Halloween itself he would bring us in and sit us down, turn off all the lights and play for us a piece of music called “The Banshee” by a composer named Henry Cowell.  “The Banshee” was highly experimental and Cowell wrote it to be played on the strings  inside the piano. The sound of the banshee shrieking and wailing is haunting. The first time this was ever played for me, I freaked out. I hated it. It terrified me.  When I went home that night, I have awful nightmares and kept my parents awake throughout the night. I was in the first grade.  My mom did the only thing she could think to do – tell my teacher how much it scared me and ask him not to include me in the event the following year.  So for years, every Halloween when the class filed into the music room the teacher would point me out and tell me I could go into the hall to wait it out.  I did. I was teased about this and while that upset me – having nightmares upset me more. 

This all changed for me in the sixth grade. That year, my teacher asked me if I wanted to stay and hear the piece of music. The last time I had heard it, I was 6 years old. All of my classmates had heard it year after year after year, so the novelty was worn off for them. But I thought I would be okay to listen to it. The lights went out and the song began and I listened to it in the dark.  And when the piece was over and the lights turned on my elementary school music teacher turned to me and asked what I thought. I said “Can I hear it again?” 
 
As I said at the beginning of this post, there is a reason I am telling you this story. This experience in my childhood I believed opened up my mind to the darker things. I think part of the reason I had so many problems with scary things is that my mind would process them differently than the people around me did. The fear I felt was so real, that my imagination would not let me do anything besides freeze in terror. And even though I still get that when when I watch something scary, I also think it let me into the darker side of the Goddess. There is a side of the Goddess that we should be very afraid of. She isn’t always cupcakes and unicorns. I would always reel when someone says the words “the Fear of God” because I would wonder why we would want to be afraid of God. But there is a part of the divine that is worthy of a healthy dose of fear. I am dedicated to Persephone and part of her role is as the Goddess of the Underworld. She holds this place over every man and woman on earth – she will be the last face we see. We should be more than just a little respectful of that. “The Banshee” by Henry Cowell taught me that.
 
So – do this. Turn off the lights wherever you are.  The eerie glow of your monitor won’t be too distracting. Get comfortable. Click play on the video. Close your eyes. Let the piece wash over you. Let it frighten you. Feel the spirit of the banshee for this Samhain season.  Acknowledge the way it makes you feel.  Respect that feeling.  You won’t regret it.  Blessed Samhain.